THE FIRST 5 YEARS

Some time ago a couple asked me for some advice about their 3 years old son's behaviour. In psychiatry, the dictum is that problem in children are often indicative of problems in their environment, and the younger the child, the more strongly this principle holds true. I, therefore, asked them in detail about their interaction with the child. 

I found out that they both did full-time, quite high-powered, very demanding jobs. Before going to work, they left their only son at the daycare so early that he was still sleeping. They picked him up late and by that time they were all so exhausted that as soon as they got home they put him to bed. On weekends they would still have lingering work so one or the other of them would still be working.

After listening to the whole story, I asked them, "Tell me one thing. If you wanted to make a copy of your photo, whose photo would you put on the copying surface?" They looked at me as if I was stupid and said, "Of course, our photo." I asked, "And if you put my photo in the printer, is it possible that the photocopy will show your face?" They probably thought I was even more stupid than they had originally thought and replied almost derisively, "of course not. It would be stupid to expect that."

I explained, "Look! When children spend time with their parents, they are absorbing their parents' norms every single waking moment, even though neither may be consciously aware of it. It is in the first five years of their life that children form their primary attachments. If your child spends those formative years with you, they will grow up to be like you. If they spend most of that time with another caregiver, it is likely that they will form their primary attachment with that caregiver and will absorb their norms. Parents determine to quite a large extent what kind of adults their children grow up to be, by spending lots of time with them and choosing how they behave in front of them. But if your child spends all his waking hours of the first five years of their life with another person, then that person will determine what kind of adult your child grows up to be. The choice is yours."

I don't think they liked what I had very much because I never saw them again. But some realties cannot be changed just because we do not like them.