ABOUT "INTERNALIZATION" - Part 1

INTERNALIZATION: "The nonconscious mental process by which the characteristics, beliefs, feelings, or attitudes of other individuals or groups are assimilated into the self and adopted as one’s own." (American Psychological Association)

(My daughters recently asked me how some young Muslims in NZ could engage in activities that would have been a big taboo both for their parents and the culture they come from, e.g. drinking alcohol. Following is a summary fo the discussion we had.)

We all start our lives learning our norms from our parents (parental figures). If we think deeply enough about even the simplest of tasks like brushing our teeth, how to clean after relieving ourselves, or where to put our elbows while eating, we may remember at what stage of life we learnt each of these from our parents. 

Similarly, when we start getting a bit older, we start learning our moral and ethical norms from our parents. It is okay/not okay to hit/shout back if someone hits you or shouts at you, you do not misbehave with your elders, you do not lie, do not steal, you should be punctual, etc are all values or norms we learn from our parents as we are growing up, either from what they tell us when we first encounter that situation, or more often what we observe them doing. Over a period of time, children start following these norms and practicing these values even when their parents are not around, because the parents' values have by then become their own values. This process is called "Internalization".

How strongly a child 'internalizes' his/her parents' values depends hugely on the strength of the parent-child relationship. The more strongly children love their parents, the more likely they are to internalize their parents' values. Then even after they have grown up and have moved out of parental home or abroad, they always carry a mental representation of their parents' values in their minds. When they are thousands of miles away from their parents and think of doing something that they know would have really upset their parents, a small voice in their mind says, "don't do it. if my parents find out about it they will be really sad. I am an adult now and completely independent so they may not say anything, but in their hearts it will still make them very sad." This voice often stops doing children from going against their parental norms.

Continued...